E-Alert
Special:
Was
that sticker for Bush or Elvis?
By
J. Michael Bestul
Y'all
are seriously messed up. No. Beyond that. You are disturbingly
lacking any real purpose for existence. Besides providing
crude reality-based entertainment, of course.
Now
I knew that my last missive was a little dry. Squirrel politics
are barely exciting to us squirrels, much less to any other
species. But it was a necessity. The stability of squirrel
civilization has a direct effect on all lesser creatures,
like humans. And I figured, since I'm told that most of
you humans live under some type of democracy, that my words
would make some sense. I guess I didn't realize that you
wanted a monarchy so badly.
Here,
let me explain that statement:
It
all started one cold, rainy day. While foraging for buried
nuts just off campus, I scampered past a large red "vehicle"
with a shiny sticker. Normally, I wouldn't have paid attention,
but this one was bright and red. I like bright red shiny
things almost as much as acorns. I can't help it, all right?
I'm a frickin' squirrel. Anyway, I was staring at this thing
long enough to dig the markings into the grass. It was a
strange group of V -- I -- V -- A. A completely different
style of markings followed, and the looked like this: B
-- U -- S -- H.
At
this point, I was madder than a rabid chipmunk because I
couldn't read these symbols. After all, as we've established,
I'm a freakin' squirrel. So, I find my translator, and explain
that he needs to wake up, or he'll no longer need corrective
lenses. Finally, after I dragged the human out of his bed,
I showed him the markings.
He
looked at me, looked at the ground, and said, "Viva Bush."
"Viva Las Vegas," I chirped quizzically in reply. My translator
explained that, yeah, most humans would think the same thing.
Apparently, the vehicle was invoking the King (yes, even
we squirrels know Elvis). Why it would celebrate shrubbery,
though, was beyond me. No, ol' Mr. Translator said, it was
a political thing. Supporting a candidate.
Oh,
said I, suddenly not caring. I would have left it at that,
if it weren't for the fact that I had no idea what "viva"
meant. Finally, after hours of torment, I found my translator
again. I took him to the discarded and partially burnt copy
of and old Oxford English Dictionary I own. Well, I don't
really own it, but I heard the grad student who threw it
away went insane. I like to think that I'm holding it until
he returns.
I
had, after hours of work, turned to the page that had those
strange marks that spelled "viva." I told translator-boy
to read the definition. Here's what he said: "A cry of 'long
live' as a salute or greeting; a shout of applause; a cheer
or hurrah." And here's where things got ugly. If I've got
my squirrel brain functioning correctly, this is my interpretation
of the bright shiny sticker-thing. Channeling the spirit
of Elvis, it's saying, "Long Live Bush!" Correct me if I'm
wrong, but isn't that how, traditionally, subjects greeted
their monarch? Seriously.
What
is going on in human affairs to warrant the desire for a
monarchy? Or is it just that y'all like to say and do things
without considering what it originally meant? I mean, I
don't even want to ask if you know the origins of all the
different colored ribbons you wear. Do you know where these
symbols came from, or do you just tack them on and think
you're making a political statement?! You know what? Never
mind. Don't answer. My opinion of humanity is already low
enough. No need to add more confusion. I'll stick to viewing
you as cheap entertainment. Because that's what you are.
Think
about that the next time you "mysteriously" find something
in your shoe.
(Humour,
Source: BG News)
